Indecisive.

I have been thinking about my future, and it seems every day I come up with something else I could end up doing in the end. It is beyond frustrating. I think I've decided I want to be an interior designer, and I find myself saying that if I get a tattoo on the back of my neck, my students could see it if I wear my hair up. WHY SHOULD I BE THINKING ABOUT STUDENTS? I thought I had my path set, interior designer. Bam. Done. The end. Nothing else to decide. But oh no, everyday it seems I sit and wonder if I will regret designing in the long run, because I am not doing what I prepared myself to do for most of my life. I think I'm more leaning toward being a designer because they make bank. In order to live the life I want to live comfortably, I need to make bank. The probability of finding a rich man isn't in my favor. To be a foster mom and adopt kids, and have my own kids which could amount to more than I could have even imagined, I need to have a substantial income, and as an interior designer and as a business woman, I could do that. I could be pulling in more money than I thought I ever could, and providing above and beyond for my kids. That is what I want to be able to do. I don't want their lives to even resemble my childhood in any way, shape, or form.

Don't get me wrong, I can see myself designing just fine. I can picture myself owning my own firm, I can picture myself cooking dinner for half a dozen kids, and being a designer is ridiculously flexible. Some days I can see myself running around town looking for the perfect piece for my vision, and other days it's all about being in front of the blackboard constantly telling people to zip it. And I don't think I can do the other thing. It's the most confusing constant thought I have. Whenever I start to write it down, I feel like I'm being stupid for even thinking for one second that I couldn't design. I become like 110 percent sure that's what I want. Then later it's as if this switch goes off and I start wondering if I should be a teacher, I've wanted to be one since I was like seven. Now I'm just ready to throw in the towel, and give up on everything. It's not like I've wanted to be a designer for years and years. I just like matching things, and the idea of making a house a home. I don't know anymore. I'm ready to just say screw it. I mean I can't even bring myself to fill out the application to the art institute anymore. I wanted to, I did, but now I'm slowly thinking it's not something I could manage. The whole idea of going to a four year college, wasn't even in my mind. It was going to be community college at Edmonds, then off to Western after I got my AA. Now just the idea of over 90 grand just to go to school is giving me a heart attack. My aunt is all why would you want to be in debt now? I'm like I didn't plan to be, but most people go into debt to go to school. All of my teachers were paying off student loans. I could potentially qualify for thousands of dollars in grants and financial aid. I need to apply to the AI just to see if I could do it and my aunt won't stop telling me it's a bad idea. I should just move to Seattle and live on campus, and work. I could do it. I could do work study and have a full time job just fine. I mean, who needs sleep. I get by on five hours every now and again. I just have no idea what to do anymore. I need to make a list of the pros and cons of my career choices. That's what I need to do. I also need to pee...